HAPPY!

People have been asking me recently how I am, the usual kamusta and anong balita sa yo. For the longest time I thought that this was the hardest question to answer. It's a social question that people take for granted, I always used to say. Probably because I myself have found it very difficult to respond to. Every time I am asked that, I always stop to ponder, kamusta nga ba ako? And do they really want to know how I am? Then they'd better sit down with me for an hour or two so I can tell how I really am. We'll see if they can come up with other questions.

That was then. Now, when people text me or call me to say their hellos and I miss yous and kamusta ka na, isa lang ang sagot ko: eto, masaya. With an exclamation point. I never even skip a beat.

They find it incredulous. Me, no complaints, no misgivings, no musings about the struggle of life, no deep imaginings about the past and the future? Not possible.

Hey, I'm not perfect. Far from it. But I have learned a thing or two these past few months, lessons that changed me somewhat. It's only now that I realize just how much.

I learned that there is really no use stressing--about the lovelife you still don't have and the amazing guy who's either taken or gay, the fact that you can't drive, the perfect job that seems to elude you at the moment.

Life is fun. It doesn't take much to be happy. You can't and shouldn't worry about the things that you don't have. Because God gives you what you need when you need it.

I've learned that it's okay to lose the person you love, or to not be with the person you want to be with right now. You don't own anything or anyone and you have no right over any person, even if you like him, are drawn to him, or love him or her with all your heart.

Love isn't possession. Those who think it is do not truly love.

Love isn't exclusive. Anybody can love anyone, single, married, dead or alive, friend or stranger. I can love my dog just as much as I love my mother, and nobody has the right to question that love. Love is everywhere and can be found in anything and anyone.

Knowing this gives you freedom to love even more, without fear or inhibition. To love more fully each and every single day, because you know that there is a possibility, no matter how small, that one day it will all be gone. He might die, or leave you for another, or just move on. And you can't place blame on anyone. There is no one to blame.

I think I'm happy, truly happy, because I've learned fully the importance of acceptance, as well as letting go. And it's not just about love, lest people think I'm still hung up on my past failed relationship (please, that was the first dead weight I released, soo long ago).

It's about everything in life. Every little experience.

I'm thankful for my semi-bumhood. It was cathartic. Now I'm shedding my wrinkled skin, and I can breathe easier.

SHUTDOWN

There's an air of melancholy about me today. The past two days, actually. A heaviness has gripped me, from the top of my head down to my toes. I think I've turned catatonic.

Reality came in torrents yesterday, just like the sudden rain that fell in the afternoon. It flooded into my head, waves crashing into each other, numbing me.

For some bizarre reason, business of the past that I have definitely already gotten over suddenly threatened to return. Questions lingered and frustration quietly crept in, all veiled in gray. I could not react quickly to their siege, because I was hollow and pallid myself. We danced inside my head that sad, sad waltz, as I sat looking at the downpour.

Worse, questions about the future also wanted to be heard. I could not answer. Could not speak. Did not know.

So I turned it off, my mind.

Bittersweet Symphony
The Verve Pipe

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can changeI can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold

And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

PERFECT

I watched all the catch-up episodes of the Amazing Race yesterday. It really is a great show. It is a perfect illustration of why most people choose life in mainstream society over that of a monk's or a Zen Bhuddist's.

The great thing about it is that it is set in the real world, unlike The Bachelor or For Love or Money or even Survivor. It isn't a caged-in existence. You go out and deal with real people, taxi drivers who won't accept dollars or airplanes that don't have free seats. Real situations, like getting touched in a crammed train or forgetting your bag where you kept your passports. Real choices, like choosing not to shave your head (because you're a model and a great head of hair is everything to you) or opting to take a bus over a cab. True, some situations are a bit amplified, but in that crazy race around the world, it's as real as real-life drama can possibly get.

We like that, drama. We like to feel as if we're reaching for something, to feel the highest high and the lowest low on our road to victory. We crave for the suspense, that moment when you choose one Detour over another, or overtaking another's car to get a clue.

We also like to feel like we've put a stamp on something, whether on our companions, our opponents, a place or ourselves. We want to leave marks. It's partly ego. Very few of us have overcome that aspect of existence. And you know what? We don't want to, because it somehow makes us feel good.

I don't know why. It's probably something that the human evolutionary process can explain. Some animals, in order to survive, stay still. Humans, on the other hand, stick out like a sore thumb. Even if we try to blend in, we don't. The cavemen never did blend in, and they always had to fight with lions and bears in order to survive. And they won, not only because of instinct, but because they were rational creatures, and could carve out cities from dust, build monuments in the sky, find a cure for TB. And it feels good. This is perhaps why the biocentric (as opposed to anthropocentric) perspective of ecology will never fully work. Humans are undeniably set apart from all others. We have what the rest don't have: free will. Consciousness. Choice. Reason. This is much a debacle as it is a gift. And as long as we are unable to go beyond that man-centered philosophy, we will continue to live the way we do.

More importantly, we actually like the struggle. We welcome the pain and the suffering, all the trials and roadblocks. Why? Because that is when we are able to assert our humanity. We push on and say hey, I am human and I will prevail. Even if I lose, I still win, because I defended my humanity against all those structures and standards (ironically, it was also humans that created those standards). You see it in their eyes, you see it in the way they look at each other, every time they reach a Pitstop, whether they were first or last.

We don't just stick out, we shine through. The human spirit shines through, most of all when it is pushed to the ground. It's like what Sam said in Lord of the Rings, "those were the stories that stay with you, that meant something, even if you're too small to understand." It is in this triumph of the spirit that redemption is justified.

It's in the tears, the smiles, the declarations of faith and loyalty in the hardest of times. It's when you find your one true love. It's when you are walking or doing something completely mundane, and you suddenly you feel a flash, a brightness that envelops you completely, and consumes you with the feeling that everything is one, and everything is absolutely PERFECT, so perfect you want to cry. That kind of communion happens only once in a while, especially for many of us who live in the city. That scarcity makes it all the more special. And us humans, well, we like things to be special. That's why we need churches and rituals and religion, even though we can arrive at perfection on our own.

We can't say if the lives most of us have today are any better than those lived in quiet isolation or in eternal oneness with nature and the universe. We all have our own ways of living. We can live like the monks and live perfectly. Or we can live as we do now, amid chaos and trial and error, and live perfectly as well.

MUTE

Why do we want to be saved?

People have a funny idea of redemption, a fantasy. It's like everything they've done all their lives is wrong, up until that moment, oh that blessed moment when everything is clear, when life suddenly sparkles, and they are saved. It is the harbinger of all the good and the beautiful, the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Why? What is the point of rescue? Are we all so miserable? Are we all so sad? Or do we create our own world of sadness, so we can anticipate joy or happiness--or our perception of it? What is happy, anyway? How do we know we are happy? How are we able to know our emotions in the first place?

Simple. We use words. We define. We describe. I am happy. I am angry. She is ugly.

But words are labels. Labels are attempts by humans to articulate the complex processes occuring in their brains, or soul, or whatever it is inside that we label as well. Yes, words are powerful, but they are limiting. There are only so many words in the dictionary. Simply put, the way most people see the world is determined by their vocabulary levels.

Life is but perception then, determined by our capacity to create and use words, induced by existing societal structures, imposed by millenia filled with previously articulated perceptions that reinforce present molds. Kitsch, as Kundera said. And so it is in this mirage, moving in unison to the beat of a colossal authority passed down through time, that we conceive of impending redemption, and excitedly await it in our pretense of blight and pain. Like waiting for love as we sit in a cafe sipping coffee, wondering if we will ever be "happy" despite all the tribulations in our life. Love--that sweet, sweet word--is our ultimate redemption.

But what if I tell you that everything is happiness, just as everything is sadness? That the filth under your shoe is as beautiful as Brad Pitt? That all our definitions can be washed away by the inherent fluidity of a universe, one that is unbridled by our flawed attempts at comprehension?

There is no happy, no sad, and therefore no redemption. We do not need to be saved, because there is nothing to be saved from. We simply are. We are skin, we are blood, we are emotion and thought. We are all of the world crammed together in, or rather flowing through one being, beyond all description. "Love" is simply a part of that pure truth that cradles us all, the truth that tells us that everything we could possibly crave for is already here, and has been here since the beginning of time. It is the truth that seeps in and saturates our entire being, melting all our perceptions--our illusions--and making us one with everything else.

But then we would have nothing to talk about. What a wordless world it would be. No contest, no questions, no whining. We would all be mute in our total understanding.

We would be like the monks in the mountains, never speaking, only knowing, in pure communion with absolutely everything, every photon in this boundless universe. Yes, even with you, as you sit in that cafe, sipping your coffee and wondering if you will ever be happy.

Para kay Amie

A friend wrote in her blog today about how much she misses kule. All the deadlines, harassment, pressures, infighting, paranoia, conflicts, sleepless nights. A non-Kule person reading this now would probably think, whaaat? She's crazy, who would miss that?!

We would. I would. At one point in each Kule alumnus/alumna's life, you can't help but look back. True, we moaned, whined, turned melodramatic, turned suicidal. But we went back to work the next day, and the next and the next. All of those crazy things were part of a life that we loved so unconditionally. It was an eternally natural high. We wouldn't trade it for anything.

It was a period that was so...rich, in all its pain and glory. Which I guess makes it painful to say goodbye to, especially if goodbyes are done violently, reluctantly, like some people I know. I personally left Kule with disappoinment and panghihinayang, but at least I had three previous years full of memories that were beautiful and that ultimately overshadowed the dark side. Others, mostly the newbies, didn't really have that. For some them, it was all bitterness and anger.

That is what saddens me most. Even now, I feel like I am partly to blame for their greatest disappointment. The unknown terrfifies me. What if? What if it had turned out differently? What if I had done more? We'll never know. At this point, nothing I do could ever retrieve what that last tumultuous year in Kule had taken away from them, all the things they had yet to discover and enjoy. All that we, the slightly older ones, wanted them so much to experience. All that Kule promised them. The burden will always be there, even though we know that all of these happened simply because they were meant to happen.

There's certainly no more turning back, and all that's left are memories. As sorry as I am, I only hope that what we went through--together and individually--in that final, fateful year was enough to help them discover themselves. Because what makes Kule truly memorable is when you leave, continue to live your life, and realize one day that what you are at present has been shaped by all those ONs, meetings, presswork, conversations, sleepless nights, debates, laughter and walking down Faura late at night. Even if those moments sum up only one grain in the sands of your lifetime. I hope with all my heart that that realization can make up for the what-could-have-been and the what-never-was.

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Amie, it doesn't have to end with simply remembering. If anything, that is where it begins. Pick up where you left off. Kule is not just the newsprint with the black and red ink. Kule is all of us--in motion, in transit.:) PADAYON.

CALIFORNIA MAKI, IT IS NOT

Big dinner tonight at home. Relatives who came here last week from the US for the grand fiesta in Gen. MacArthur (E. Samar) are leaving tomorrow, so my mom threw them a farewell dinner.

I like these people. They are so warm and they just love us to pieces, hehe. Okay they love my mom (everybody does), but the affection kind of overflows, and that's just dandy for me. These relatives are the kind that won't give you a hard time, and don't act all cocky and smug just because they live in another country now. They really are who they are and have fun being themselves and being with family. I grew up with a lot of my mom's relatives hanging around and it has always been like this. Food, music, dancing, lots of alcohol and laughter. Even if nobody has a single peso in their pockets, they always manage to have fun. It's a sweet, sweet life.

In the din of loud 60s music, with loads of crab, prawns and chicken on our plates, my grandmother's cousin invited me to go visit them in California. Said it would be really nice, their house is half-empty anyway, I would get to see Disneyland, visit relatives, maybe find a job and shuttle back and forth the two countries, etc. Uhh, well...hmm.

US isn't really on the top of my list of places to visit. Europe, yes (think Italy, Greece). The rest of Asia, definitely (I've been dying to go on an Asian tour). But the States? Not my favorite country. I don't really want to go into a detailed discussion on politics or economic exploitation or neo-imperialism, and I really don't want to draw any hasty generalizations, so let's just say I have my views. And it is such that my present social consciousness forbids me to further expand my American experience by actually settling there for a long period of time. No offense to my relatives and even my oldest friend who's living there (and, from what it seems, is enjoying her life there for all its ups and downs, which I think is fantastic), but it's just not for me.

Then again, it's just a vacation, right? What harm could it do?

So I'm thinking, maybe next summer. Just for a couple of weeks. What I really want to do is see Adeline, hehe. That would be such a thrill. I mean, it's been 11 years!!! Plus, I'd like to go the the Department of City and Regional Planning at UC Berkeley. Find out how the course is tackled in that part of the world, get insights, maybe sit in a class (hah, I wish). Sir Peter Hall, the author of a book I read for class recently, is a faculty there. It would be super cool to actually meet him.:)

-----

I just fininshed browsing through UC Berkeley's website. I looked at the admission requirements of international applicants to the graduate program. It required different levels of academic and professional accomplishment for different countries. Practically the entire world was listed there. Australia, Canada, Latin America, East European States, France, Ireland, Germany, Former Soviet Republics, India, Japan, Korea, Singapore, China, Hongkong, Tawian, Thailand...but wait, no Philippines?!